Summary of How to Win Friends And Influence People by Dale Carnegie

How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dr. Norman Vincent Peale is one of best primers on interpersonal relationships ever written. It’s been continuously in print since 1936, and the advice is just as relevant today as it was then.  The book’s title really sums up what this book teaches, how to win people over to you and how to exert a soft gentle influence on them. The best thing about this book are the simple, concrete techniques that’ll help you get ahead by being able to get what you want in every social and business situation.

Key Principle 1 

Never Be Critical, Always Use Praise

How to Win Friends and Influence People starts with an interesting point. It talks about how no one ever thinks they’re wrong. To make his point, Dr. Peale talks about one of the most infamous criminals of the 20^th century, Al Capone.

Not too many people looked upon Al Capone in a positive light, but one man sure did – Al Capone himself. As he once said, “I’ve spent the best years of my life, giving people the lighter pleasures, helping them have a good time, and all I get is abuse, and the existence of a hunted man.” This notorious criminal who terrified the entire nation believed that, deep down, he was a good, kind, decent man.

What does this teach us?  Everyone is just like Al Capone.  People tend to believe they’re in the right, no matter what the circumstance. The main point is that if someone can’t even criticize themselves, imagine how they feel when they are criticized by others.

When you criticize someone, it puts them on the defensive. People don’t like to be told they’re wrong.  Even worse, they take it personally and react negatively to the person being critical. People automatically justify their behavior. The more you criticize, the more their defenses go up and the deeper the resentment they’ll feel towards you, even if you were trying to help and consider it “constructive criticism”.

So what should you do? How do you encourage someone to change their ways without being critical?

The answer’s simple: Use praise instead of criticism. No one likes to feel undervalued and unimportant. This is why people have an instantaneous positive reaction to just a few kind words. When you have positive things to say, people are drawn to you and can’t help but feel warmly towards you in return.

Charles Schwab was able to become a hugely successful steel tycoon because of his incredible people skills. Schwab always credited his ability to manage people as the key that made his success in business possible. Mr. Schwab, unlike many of his contemporaries, was lavish in his praise of others and tried to criticize others as little as possible.

Charles Schwab knew that when you praise someone, it makes your relationships warmer and friendlier. It also has the benefit of inspiring people to work harder in a more harmonious atmosphere.

Key Principle 2

You Should Make Everyone You Meet Feel They are Important and Interesting

Do dogs read “How to Win Friends and Influence People”? They sure act like they do! Imagine you just walked in the door after a long day at work. There’s your dog, tail wagging, jumping up and down in excitement. You can’t help but smile and be happy to see your furry friend.

Once you have a dog you understand what the attraction is. Dogs make us feel like we’re the most important person in the world. They simply can’t hide their joy at seeing us again. Even if you’ve only been gone for 10 minutes.

Learn this lesson well and you’ll be attracting friends and winning them over to your way of thinking. Of course, we don’t have tails to wag but what can you do to show goodwill to someone you meet and earn their goodwill in return?

The best way to win someone over is to show genuine interest in them. When you try to make yourself interesting to others, it rarely works. This is because most people are not interested in the life details of others. They are too concerned about their own lives and troubles. When you express an interest in someone, they are taken back a bit and warm up to you very quickly.

How do you do that? Simple, show sincere pleasure when you see someone. Smile at them and greet them with enthusiasm and use their name in the conversation. Make them feel that they are the most important person in your life right now. The way you make someone feel important is by asking them questions about themselves or about a subject that they care deeply about. This is how you create a lasting impression on others. When you make someone feel important and that you are happy to spend time with them, they will reciprocate way both seen and unseen. You’ll reap many unexpected rewards.

Key Principle 3

Allow Others to Talk, and Listen to Them Carefully

During the depths of the Civil War in the USA, President Lincoln asked an old friend to the White House for his advice. When his friend went to the White House, Lincoln spent hours talking about the problems he was facing as the country was at war.

Lincoln talked all evening, discussing the pros and cons of every possible decision. When his old friend left, he had barely spoken a word and had certainly given no advice to President Lincoln but the meeting was exactly what President Lincoln needed most;

 A Good Listener.

He had plenty of people advising him, telling him what to do. What he didn’t have was someone to listen to him.

We’re all like President Lincoln, we all value a good listener. The problem is the world is awash in talkers. Everyone likes to talk about themselves – about their achievements, their worries, their pasts, and their futures. But that’s not how you win friends. In fact, that’s how you lose them.

When someone monopolizes a conversation, talking about themselves, other people tend to tune out. Stand out by being an active listener. This is how you win people over and make a favorable impression. When you invite someone to tell you about their life and interests and you listen to what they say, they will think you are the most marvelous conversationalist in the world.

When you meet someone new try asking them open ended questions to discover more about them. Pay attention to what they say. The worst thing you can do to create an unfavorable impression is to appear distracted uninterested in what other people have to say.

President Theodore Roosevelt sure knew how to engage people on the exact topic that would interest them.  If President Roosevelt know he had an important meeting coming up he would read a book about that guest’s favorite subject. That way he could seem informed and engaged while having a conversation on the exact topic that interested his guest. This was a sure-fire way to make friends.

Granted, that was taking it to another level but you don’t have to do that much homework to engage people on topics that interest them. Just encourage them to talk, ask questions and most importantly, listen attentively. The more you do it, the more natural it becomes and before too long, you’ll be someone people look forward to being with.

Key Principle 4

When an Argument is Inevitable, Try to Disagree as Gently as Possible

 What’s the best way to win an argument? By not engaging in one.

The natural impulse is to be more argumentative as a way to win. We try to tangle our opponents in an argumentative knot. We produce facts and figures proving that we are indeed correct. We try to expose the logical fallacies in our opponents’ arguments.

Does this way work? Even when you “win” the argument like that, your opponent will just resent you. Resentment breeds lots of contempt and rarely agreement. 

If a minor disagreement grows into an argument no one wins. The best way to win an argument is to avoid them completely. Yes, sometimes an argument is unavoidable. If you find yourself in an argument here are a few tips to help.

Never say the words, “You’re wrong”. Making a direct attack will not bring your opponent around to your way of thinking. It just creates resentment, makes them dig in their heels and try to out argue you.

If you want to be effective try a more gentle and subtle approach. Instead of trying to beat your opponent with your arguments, try to lead your opponent to your conclusions in an honest and friendly line of questioning.

Disarm your opponent by saying that maybe you are the one who is wrong. Then say, “Lets look at the facts”. When you admit that perhaps you are in the wrong, it lowers your opponents defenses. When you both look at the facts and you find out that you are indeed wrong, admit your mistake. When you own up to your mistakes in makes your opponent less adversarial.

If you do turn out to be right, don’t be overly happy about it. Your opponent is not going to accept that you are right if they feel humiliation in defeat. Be gracious in victory to help your opponent see things your way.

Key Principle 5 

Get Some Agreement in the Beginning, and Then Gently Lead Them to Your Conclusion

The ancient Greek philosopher, Socrates truly understood the fine art of persuasion. The Socratic method is simply asking the right questions in the right way, to convince people to affirm things they didn’t believe before.

How can you apply the Socratic method to reach agreement? Start by first trying to get your opponent in an affirmative state of mind. Get them to agree to small things first and build on that agreement.

First, begin by making assertions everyone can agree with. Then, bit by bit, shift the conversation into more uncertain territory. By beginning with arguments everyone can agree on, you make your opponent more likely to accept the contentious arguments later on.

So what can we learn from Socrates?

Socrates’s style is one of persuasion, not argumentative. If you can get people nodding their head yes, yes from the beginning, you’re halfway there to convincing them you’re right.

Avoid a no. Don’t present an argument that you know your opponent is going to reject.  Once you have a hard no from someone, it becomes very difficult to change their minds. Your opponent then becomes emotionally invested in their no and will go to great lengths to defend it.

 Try to guide someone down the path of reason you want them to take. This makes them feel like the idea is their own discovery. People can take ownership of an idea when they think it is their own and are quite willing to advance the idea. When you try to argue the same point in an adversarial way, it makes your opponent feel that their reputation is on the line. They will feel humiliated if they now change their mind.

Stop trying to convince others that your ideas are the correct ones, but instead help them arrive at your ideas themselves.

This is what Colonel Edward M. House did when he worked for President Woodrow Wilson. To get his ideas implemented he never gave President Wilson direct advice. Instead, the colonel would very casually mention his ideas in passing. This seed of an idea would then take root in President Wilson’s mind and he would then implement the Colonel’s ideas as his own.

Of course, Colonel House was very careful to not correct the President and try to claim the credit. He understood that people like ideas they think they arrived at on their own.

Key Principle 6

Try to Understand Other People’s Viewpoints

Jay Mangum ran an elevator maintenance company. He had a problem with a certain hotel manager. The manager was insistent that he only shut down the hotel’s elevators for a maximum of two hours. Jay knew that he needed a full day to do the job correctly. Did he argue with the manager that he wouldn’t be rushed.

No. He took just a few moments to see the hotel manager’s point of view. Jay said that he understood the hotel manager’s desire to keep the disruptions to the guests to an absolute minimum. He pointed out that if he just had the full day to complete the repairs properly then the elevator would be fine for a long time. If he rushed the repairs then the elevator would require an even bigger, costlier and more time-consuming complete overhaul later on.

When presented with the argument in this fashion the manager readily agreed.

Jay was able to convince the manager to do his job because he took the time to understand the managers true concerns. By recognizing that the manager, above all else, wanted to please his guests, he was able to explain to the manager that Jay’s idea on how to complete the job was the best way to obtain the hotel manager’s highest priority.

When you try to see someone else’s perspective is always beneficial. It can not only resolve a disagreement, it can allow win people over to you and generate a great deal of goodwill.

People appreciate sympathy to their point of view.  When you feel tempers rising, a sympathetic word is usually enough to set things right. Instead of automatically arguing, try saying this the next time you are faced with a disagreement: I completely understand where you’re coming from. I’d feel exactly the same if I was you.

Maybe the best part of trying to see the other person’s point of view is the good it does for you. When you understand why people are upset it makes you more tolerant of their bad behavior and you will feel less irritation and anger. Sympathizing with others doesn’t just make them feel good – it does the same for you.

The next time someone upsets you, take a minute, pause and try to see their point of view. Why did they say that? Think if there is something you can say or do to show that you understand so you can both get on the same page again.

Being sympathetic isn’t always easy but it’s better than both of you getting angry. When you argue, no one wins.

Key Principle 7

By Setting the Bar High, People Will Work to Meet Your Expectations

There was once a fourth-grade teacher from Brooklyn, New York named Ruth Hopkins. One year, Ruth was surprised on the first day of school. Standing in front of her new class for the year, she realized that the biggest troublemaker in the school, Tommy, was now in her class.

Tommy was smart but he was also very disobedient. Ruth had listed to his previous teacher complain about him day in, day out. What would Ruth do?

Ruth came up with a plan. The next day, Ruth walked around the classroom and complimented each student. When she reached Tommy, Ruth told him she’d heard he was a natural-born leader. She told Tommy that she was depending on him to make her class the best fourth grade class in the school.

When Ruth gave Tommy a stellar reputation to live up to, Tommy’s behavior changed to meet the challenge.

Everyone loves praise, and if someone offers a kind word, we try to live up to the expectations of that person. When someone shows appreciation, we hate to disappoint. By commenting on someone’s good reputation, we reward them for what they’ve already done and also then a standard for future behavior.

If you want someone to develop a certain behavior, speak of them as though they already practice it. If you’d like your coworker to be more helpful, praise them for how well they work with others. Set up an aspirational reputation for them as a helpful coworker.

Dr. Martin Fitzhugh was a dentist who was proficient in used this technique. When a patient complained that the dentist’s metal cup holder was dirty it made Dr. Fitzhugh seem unprofessional. He himself had noticed that the standards of his office janitor were slipping.

Instead of berating his janitor, he wrote him a very gracious note of appreciation. In the note, he thanked him for all his hard work and commended him for his diligence. In the note, he casually mentioned that he would pay him overtime if he occasionally needed to work longer to take care of things like the cupholder.

What was the result? The janitor’s work improved overnight. Everything was clean and there was no overtime.

When you praising others, you are letting them know that you appreciate their work Praise is generous – but it’s also an smart way of making sure they’ll live up to the praise. If you can make a habit of praising others, and combine it with the other techniques discussed, you’ll find yourself winning friends and influencing people.

Final Thoughts

Summary of the Principles of How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dr. Norman Vincent Peale

In conclusion, if your goal is to win friends and influence people, try to avoid arguments. When you must argue, try to do so as gently as possible.

Learn to use the Socratic method to lead people to your way of thinking.

When you understand the perspectives of those around you, you are able to frame your arguments in a way they can easily understand.  

People like to be listened to, understood, and made to feel important. If you can do these things for other people, you’ll win them to your way of thinking.