Book Summary of Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus by John Gray
Book Summary of Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus Main Idea 1
Learn The Different Ways We Communicate
This book summary of Men Are from Mars Women Are from Venus is a story about two aliens who fall in love, which is used as a metaphor for how men and women think differently.
The author, John Gray, thinks that men and women can make their relationships stronger if they learn to understand each other’s ways of communicating and emotional needs. Men and women feel affection in different ways, and when we accept our differences, love can grow.
When we’re in relationships, we sometimes want our partners to act just like us. But they don’t, of course. It can be frustrating and hard to understand, as if our partners came from another planet. The author, John Gray, wants to know how a man and a woman can get along better and get closer. His answer? They need to learn to recognize how different each other is.
Imagine that we are all from different worlds. “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus,” as the title says. Now, imagine that Martians used their telescopes to find Venusians and then made space travel so they could go visit them. The people of Venus were happy to see the people from Mars. Love won, and Martians and Venusians lived together in peace until they flew to Earth together and got selective amnesia. The people from Mars and Venus forgot that they were from different planets. And conflict took the place of love.
So, what went wrong?
Have you heard women say that men just don’t pay attention? What gives? Well, when a Venusian woman, who is a woman, feels overwhelmed, talking about her feelings helps her feel better. So she goes to her partner, hoping to talk to someone who will understand.
A man, on the other hand, thinks that it’s his job to solve the woman’s problem. In return, he wants love and appreciation. But what actually happens is very different. The woman doesn’t get the help she wanted, and the man feels like he’s been turned down. So what should you do? Well, as a man, all you need to do is listen to your partner and pay her your full attention.
Unlike Venusians, when Martians have a problem, they like to go into their caves and hide. Because of this, he may take a break from his relationship for a while. He just wants to be left alone, though, and doesn’t want his partner to worry.
Women can find it hard to understand this need. After all, on Venus, you show someone you love them by giving them ideas for how they could do things better. But this kind of unasked-for advice can bring up a man’s hidden fears.
Still, Martians and Venusians can live together in peace once they get used to how each other handles stress. In fact, when a man learns to listen well, he may come out of his cave more often, eager to help his partner out.
Book Summary of Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus Main Idea 2
Understand The Other Persons Motivations and Needs
Men and women help each other when they know how to communicate well and understand how to motivate their partners to do things. Before Martians and Venusians met, they both went through a bad time at the same time. Things were hard. But then, the Martians looked through a telescope and saw people from Venus. They were asked to come over and finally felt like they were needed.
So, the Martians got over their sadness, came out of their caves, made a fleet of spaceships, and went to Venus. The Venusians felt loved as they waited for the Martians to arrive. Their sadness went away, and they started getting ready.
Things are the same here on Earth. When a man feels like his partner needs him, he’s more likely to do his best. He is no longer selfish. Instead, he does things because he cares, not to get something for himself. On the other hand, a woman wants to be cared for and seen as valuable. When she feels like her partner cares about her, she gives more love.
What happens, though, when men and women don’t meet each other’s needs? Well, they might not want to work on their relationship anymore. Men do this when they no longer feel like they can be trusted. Women can feel the same way when they help someone but don’t get enough help back.
A man might not give enough because he’s afraid his partner won’t like it. He’s afraid of being rejected. He should actually listen to the woman and do little things that show how much he cares about her. Knowing this can help him get over his fears.
On the other hand, the woman can work on being more able to forgive. When she thanks her partner for the things he already does, he will be more likely to do more.
Men and women can also learn how to talk to each other in ways that work for them. Men can learn not to take overly dramatic ways of expressing how they feel so literally. If you say, “We never go out,” it might sound like you’re making a charge. A man might get angry at this because he thinks his partner is upset with him. In truth, she just wants to hang out with you and do something fun.
Women can also practice letting their partners know how much they appreciate what they do for them. Also, it helps to keep in mind that it’s not unusual for a man to become quiet and distant. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t care anymore. Instead, he might just be going back to his cave on Mars. Also, he has three magic words: “I’ll be back.”
Book Summary of Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus Main Idea 3
Men and Women Understand Love Differently
Men and women have different intimacy phases that affect their ability to give and receive love. Something that happens in cycles can cause problems between men and women: their different, natural responses to intimacy. Men sometimes need to pull away from their relationships, as we’ve learned.
Women may want to respond by getting closer to the man. But if they try too hard to be close, it could hurt the relationship. It’s normal for women to feel sad from time to time. Men might see this as a sign of a problem and try to fix it right away. But women don’t need help solving problems at those times.
Men can have feelings of withdrawal, and women can have feelings of change. These feelings can come and go. A man’s relationship cycle is similar to a rubber band: he pulls away and then snaps right back. Once men have gotten the love and closeness they want, they want to feel independent again. A man can lose his sense of self in a relationship. By pulling away, he remembers who he is and what his limits are.
Men often seem distant and unresponsive at this point in their cycle of getting close to someone. Their partners might feel hurt and forgotten. But women shouldn’t punish men for this. Instead, they should support them by giving them space. When a man needs to pull away, he can easily reassure a woman. He should just inform her that he needs some time alone, that he will be back, and that when he does, he will be all there.
The way a woman gets close to someone is different. It more closely resembles a wave. When a woman likes herself, she’s very giving and shows her partner how much she cares. But a wave can’t always be going up. When it has reached its highest point, it will always fall. This is when women go through the phase of having low self-esteem. They can feel empty, weak, and in need of emotional support.
A man might think that it’s his fault when a woman’s wave crashes. But he shouldn’t take it personally or try to tell her how to deal with it. Instead, the man can help her by loving her no matter what.
Most importantly, women and men should not try to hide their cycles of intimacy. If they do, men might feel guilty, become too passive, or depend too much on their partner. Women, on the other hand, may end up stifling all of their feelings, both good and bad.
Book Summary of Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus Main Idea 4
How Do You Score Your Relationship?
- Men and women have different emotional needs and different ways to “score relationship points.”
We all need different kinds of love at different times in our lives. But do we always know what kind of help our partner needs most?
When two people know each other’s six main love needs, their relationships are easier.
Men need:
- Trust
- Acceptance
- Appreciation
- Admiration
- Approval
- Encouragement
Women need:
- Caring
- Understanding
- Respect
- Devotion
- Validation
These main needs for love go together. One person lifts up another. Care and trust are two examples. A woman needs a man who really cares about how she feels. When he does, she feels like she can trust him.
So how can a couple make sure they’re meeting each other’s needs? Men should first learn how to listen well. Instead of getting upset when they can’t solve a woman’s problems, they should remember that just listening carefully can help. A woman can learn how to give a man more power. This means you have to accept his flaws and not try to change him.
Men and women tend to “keep score” of how effectively their partners fulfill their emotional needs. The score sheets, on the other hand, couldn’t look more different. Men often think it’s best to do one big thing, like pay for a luxurious vacation. They think that if they do this, they will get enough points and won’t have to do anything else for a while. But it doesn’t work that way. Small things are just as important to women as big things.
Women need lots of little ways to show love. Things like getting help when they’re tired, not having to plan everything all the time, and getting ideas from other people. A woman can get her partner to keep doing these little things for her by letting him know she appreciates it when he does.
For men, the important thing is to feel appreciated. A man will like you more if you don’t criticize him when he makes a mistake, don’t punish him when he lets you down, and are happy to see him.
In the end, it’s all about showing love, but keep in mind that each sex may have very different needs in love. When bad feelings come up, it’s important to talk about them in a loving way, because fights can ruin a relationship. Almost everyone knows a couple that fights all the time. We also know couples who seem calm on the outside, but have a lot of stress and feelings they don’t want to talk about. Love can be killed by both extremes.
The more close we are to someone, the easier it is for us to hurt them and for them to hurt us. So, the author says that you should never get into a fight. How do you do that, though? Well, he says to start with the reasons why people fight.
Men often start fights by saying that a woman’s point of view is wrong. They might say something like, “What’s the big deal?” or “Don’t worry so much,” to make her feel better. What are they thinking? They may feel like they are being judged, rejected, undervalued, or even treated like a child. The solution to this is for a woman to make him feel accepted, respected, encouraged, and appreciated. This will make him less likely to argue.
Women, on the other hand, often start fights by making it clear they don’t like something. For them, the root cause can be feeling unsupported, critiqued, or not heard. The author calls this feeling “minimized.” But women are less likely to fight when they feel loved, safe, respected, and, most importantly, heard.
Writing a Love Letter is another way to stop a fight in its tracks. Gray uses this word to talk about a specific approach that helps people let go of bad feelings they may be hiding and helps them get better.
So how does it work? First, you compose a “Love Letter” with five sections: “Anger,” “Sadness,” “Fear,” “Regret,” and “Love.” About each, write a few sentences. You can say things like, “I’m angry about…”, “I’m disappointed about…”, and “I’m sorry about…”
Then write a “Response Letter,” as the author calls it. It should say what kind of loving action you want your partner to take. Because our culture doesn’t teach men how to respond to a woman’s feelings, a Response Letter can be especially helpful for men. It can help them recognize what their partners need.
You can give both letters to your partner if you want to. You don’t have to do that, though. This method can also help you get your thoughts together before you start talking to them.
Love Letters are not a way to avoid pain; instead, they force you to deal with it. So, remember that you should only share these letters if you feel good about it and want to help. And if you get one of these letters, make sure the person who wrote it feels safe and important.
Book Summary of Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus Main Idea 5
Asking For Help Makes Love Last
Your love will last as long as you know how to ask for help. Remember the story about Mars and Venus.
On Venus, everyone always looks for ways to help each other out. The more someone loves a Venusian, the more she wants to help them. “Love is never having to ask!” is the motto of Venus. The Martians, on the other hand, need to be asked for help before they will help. This can be annoying because if you don’t ask at the right time, a man might not be interested.
Men and women often don’t ask for the assistance they need from their partners. But it’s harder for women than for men to ask for help.
The author tells women how to ask a man for help in three steps. Start by telling him to do the small things he already does. Be quick and clear. After that, show a lot of thanks.
Then you can start step two, which is to ask him to do new things. Choose situations where you would like help but won’t be upset if you don’t get it. If he says no, say, “OK.” Men don’t like being told what to do because they think you already expect them to fail. Men are more likely to say yes when they know they can say no without making the other person angry.
After you’ve tried steps one and two, it’s time for step three: asking in a firm way. Once you’ve made your request, keep quiet. He may waver, but don’t try to figure out what he means. This shows that you have faith in his ability to “stretch,” or think about your request. If he still says no, you should give up. He will remember how kind you were, and the next time you ask him for something, he will be more likely to say yes.
Lastly, remember that the closer we get to our partners, the more our hidden negative feelings can come out. When you feel safe with your partner, your deepest fears and unresolved problems may come to the surface.
Let’s say your partner is having a bad day and is being extra-critical. Usually, you could just ignore it, but today it’s getting to you because it reminds you of how your parents used to criticize you when you were young.
You might be afraid or not know how to talk to your partner about how you feel. A therapist can be very helpful in situations like these. And if you think your partner is having trouble because of something that happened in the past, don’t tell him he’s overreacting. Instead, give him acceptance, kindness, and support no matter what.
Final summary
The main point of this book is:
- The emotional needs of men and women are different.
- Men need to feel like they can trust and control things.
- Women need to know they are important and valued.
- When men are stressed, they like to work things out on their own.
- Women are more likely to share.
- Instead of fighting, couples should talk to each other lovingly.
- Men and women can fall in love when they accept their variances and learn how to help each other.
